Saturday, 31 December 2016

2016: the year of making amends



let's start with a picture of fetus me! it was probably taken about 20 years ago. sigh, it's making me emotional.

it’s been days that i’ve tried listing down the goods and the bads of 2016 and i’m still stuck. i suck so bad at writing stuff like this. i am incoherent-ness at its very core, and these messy, tangled thoughts in my thick skull won’t tame down. i’m just gonna let them take over my sanity and let my fingers dance to it. my apologies.

honestly, this has been a year of making amends to me. nothing especially bad happened. it’s just a year of me trying to let go of things that have been holding me down, that have been stopping me from soaring. i let go of people who no longer want me, of people who no longer fight for me, of people who didn’t show they care.

it’s a year of me trying to figure out who i am, of trials and errors. i tested my limits. pushed myself the hardest. traveled alone to oregon for the first time. couchsurfed for the first time. went to seattle for 2 weeks, took time to heal myself. lived in peru for a month when i have never pictured myself going to south america. met so many amazing people there who have opened my eyes to bigger things in life. entertained and satisfied all my curiosities though this might not exactly be a good thing.

it’s a year of me trying to connect. i got back to purdue from peru just in time for eid-ul-fitr and celebrated it with the summer peeps here. it’s full of warmth, and good food, and all other splendid things. i joined the media team for malaysian night and got to do the things i enjoy doing which is making videos. announced as volunteer of the year for it. from these two things alone, i got to connect with many people. making friends. hoping that i’ve touched each soul in a good way.

it is a year of inevitable endings and new beginnings for me. i graduated with distinction about two weeks ago, and alhamdulillah got an offer to do my masters in university college london. one door shuts, another one opens. i keep reminding myself to just be flexible. of course, the greatest thing to highlight this year was going on a trip to california with nadiah. it’s so interesting how this girl makes me feel. i hope i wouldn’t be a lesbian because of you bih.

this is also a year of me realizing that death is so near. i don’t think i am afraid of death. sometimes i think of wanting to die too, whenever things get so cloudy and i see no point of living. but you know, what i am afraid of is how people would feel after i am gone. just as how i have been feeling after i lost someone. i lost taufiq this year, broke me to pieces though i wasn’t as close to him. it makes me wonder how nad would feel if i ever die. how iqa would feel. how my housemates would feel. how my family would feel.

you know the thing i was scared the most about not going back at all ever since i came to america is i fear losing my parents. what if they pass away while i’m still here? i am the youngest child hence my parents are really old already. though age doesn’t matter when it comes to dying, old age is still another factor. now i have about a month still before going back and i hope i will be able to see their faces smiling at me again. i hope i can bring them out to eat together, buy them clothes, teach them how to use the iPad i bought for them, watch malay dramas with them, just making amends of the years of time i have lost with them because i was here.

the biggest thing that reminded me so much of why this is a year of me making amends is that i learned how to say no, especially to people who don’t deserve it. i don’t make myself available to anyone, and everyone anymore. i don’t put myself vulnerable. i know where i should go to if i ever need a bounce back. i am content with what i have for my strength and support; my dear friends. this helps me make amends with myself first, before anyone else.

i have so much wounds in me, scars that can’t be seen, and i need to heal them first. i need to give time for them to heal first. i need to understand them first. i need to figure out why i feel certain things so i would be at peace. i need to make peace with myself first, so that i will truly be happy being on my own. i still have a long way to go, but i am making progress. and for that, i am so proud of myself.

to my dear self, izz, you have so many things more to improve about yourself, but cheers to 2016. i think you’ve learned a lot from this year alone. and izz, let’s not make any specific goals for 2017, let’s just keep doing better and better. let’s be kindness, and love, and light. let’s inspire, and motivate, and help. let’s live, and laugh, and be content with yourself.



you've grown so much izz :( i know what you've been through. it's ok alright? take your time to heal. WHY AM I TALKING LIKE THIS TO MYSELF BTW sljfdlkldainvm

here's a speech from taylor swift that i really love, and i wanted to put it here so i can read it again.

"maybe you lost someone you never expected you would lose.
maybe you lost yourself, that's even worse. 

when you have bad days that just won't let up,
i just hope that you will look in the mirror and 
remind yourself of what you are and what you are not.

you are not your mistakes.

you are not damaged goods or muddy from your failed explorations.
you are not the opinion of someone who doesn't know you.
you are a product of the lessons that you've learned.
you are wiser because you went through something terrible.

and you are the person who survived a bunch of rainstorms and kept walking.
i now believe that pain makes you stronger.
and i now believe that walking through a bunch of rainstorm gets you clean."

anyways, happy new year everyone! i wish for nothing but all good things to all of you <3