Thursday, 29 June 2017

to hell with that

in case you didn't see on my instagram-- yesterday was a really happy day for me. so many friends came over to raya at my house, friends i hadn't seen in years while i was in the states.

but little did i know that today i woke up feeling like an absolute crap. i spent the whole day lying down on bed, staring at the ceiling. too much emotions bottled inside me that i didn't know where their origins were. so when they asked me, "what's wrong?", the only answer i could give was "i don't know".

it's the truth. i don't know why i suddenly felt like shit. i didn't know why suddenly the thought of living the next days coming became so scary. i didn't know why even lifting my arms or eating a tiny bit food became annoyingly difficult. i didn't know why suddenly my body just lost the ability to function. so there i was, on bed, for hours. until the night came when i couldn't keep it in anymore that everything started pouring out of me in streams of tears.

i. did. not. have. control. over. it.

so i let be. i just cried and cried and in my mind, the bad thoughts were trying to cloud all the good things. i felt so worthless. i still do. there is no purpose to my existence. and i am so mad that i feel this way, because a dear friend of mine is suffering from cancer and would kill to have live a normal life like me but here i am, thinking of dying? i am that ungrateful prick, thus i loathe myself.

but i don't know how to stop this feeling. it's too suffocating.
my heart too heavy, my mind too cloudy.
i can only think of writing it out here-- my only safe space when i become all negative and wretched.

but even then, the anxieties still come. i just wrote about khazanah a few days ago, but here i am now in the worst state of mind? it's shameful.

but to hell with that.
this is my safe space. nobody can take this away from me, anymore.

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